apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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