Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
