my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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