my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
