I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
