I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
