You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
