i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Pants are for mortals
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
