Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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