I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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