youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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