If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
