I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
