matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
