Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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