I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
