chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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