her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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