Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
