she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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