it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I did not marry a roomba.
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