I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
