I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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