I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
