if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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