Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize