what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
