I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
