I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
