I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
