in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
