can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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