eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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