If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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