dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
