I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
