If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
