just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
