overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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