a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
