I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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