Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
