I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
