She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
