The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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