im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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