Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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