i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
