found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
