I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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