One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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