I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
