it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
