it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
