omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
